Loneliness vs Solitude

Feeling lonely can be a miserable experience. It’s also not very healthy.

The good news is you can do something about it.

American neuroscientist John Cacioppo has been studying the neuroscience of loneliness and found that it is as detrimental to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

You don’t have to be socially isolated to feel lonely. A busy office or a city centre can be the loneliest places in the world. Similarly, you can have little social contact and not feel lonely – some people enjoy being on their own.

John Cacioppo’s work has shown there are two aspects to loneliness which need addressing – the social and emotional. You may not be short of social contact but if your emotional needs aren’t being met within those social encounters, you can still feel lonely.

Many think of loneliness as mainly affecting the elderly who become housebound, but it is far more widespread than that. Large numbers of young people experience loneliness on a regular basis. Social media doesn’t address those important emotional needs of enjoying ‘just being’ with a close friend.

Once young people leave education it can be difficult to meet new friends, which is why so many are turning to internet dating to find partners. True friends, however, can be more difficult to find.

Having little emotional contact can lead to feelings of insecurity, low confidence and self esteem which makes it even more difficult to get out there to meet new friends. Social activity groups are sprouting up but it takes a strong person to walk into a new group – the advice is often to ‘go along with a friend’.

It’s my opinion that ‘Care in the Community’ falls down because it doesn’t address the issue of loneliness.

For many elderly people it is the only contact they have with the outside world – that and seeing their doctor or other healthcare worker. However, they can still experience profound loneliness because a carer rushing in, doing the necessaries, having little meaningful conversation simply doesn’t fulfil that emotional need. With half of older people in the UK (five million +) saying that TV is their main source of company this is an issue that needs addressing.

I used to work ‘in the community’ as a physiotherapist visiting people’s homes. It’s only when you do a job like this that you realise just how big the problem is. Many people of all ages simply exist within four walls – I guarantee there is someone on your street.

Nothing beats laughter and a bit of banter with friends for improving mood and lowering stress levels so what can we do to help? I think there are two important aspects here – increasing the quality of social encounters plus helping people to use time alone more constructively so that they develop strategies that enable them to enjoy moments of solitude.

Solitude and loneliness are poles apart. Enjoyment of quiet moments of solitude can be highly beneficial for health and wellbeing. They enable you to keep stress levels down and kick start your body’s natural healing, ‘rest and digest’ system. These moments can even alter your perceived passage of time.

Learning to manage feelings of loneliness by developing skills that enable enjoyment of solitude, combined with quality social contact, is achievable. Children should be taught these skills and they will serve them well throughout life. We can all help in other ways too.

We can start by being friendly to people we meet. For example, talking to people, offering to do an hour of voluntary befriending on a regular basis. I love the idea of looking out for your local elderly neighbour particularly when you know there is someone 100s of miles away doing the same for your mum or dad or grandparents.

I love elderly people – they have so much experience and so many interesting stories to tell. Look on them as ‘just us’… ‘just a bit older with more life experience’. Becoming more involved across and between the generations has potential benefits for us all. Not only are our older people missing out on the friendships and social contact but we are missing out on hearing their tales and enjoying their company.

Most working people these days live fast lives in a fast-paced, stressful world and can consequently appear ‘unfriendly’. In my experience most are pretty friendly under the surface and have similar worries and fears to our own. If you are struggling to attend a local activity group, give this some thought – everyone else at that group will have had similar fears at some stage no matter how confident they may seem right now.

Taking time out to be friendly – to smile, chat and laugh with others – has huge benefits for everyone.